[The Welcome Home Theme Song plays for several seconds, with jingle bells and jazzy horns, before cutting abruptly with static to a commercial.]
WALLY: What's this stuff falling from the sky, Barnaby?
BARNABY: That's snow, little buddy!
HOWDY: That’s not snow! That’s Crispy Sweets’ new Frosted Crispies cereal! Full of sugary white crystals that melt on your tongue just like snowflakes! Perfect for the holidays!
WALLY: Gee Barn, I sure love snow!
BARNABY: That ain’t snow, kid! It’s-
WALLY, BARNABY & HOWDY: The sweet sugar taste of Crispy Sweets!
WALLY: Wow.
[The scene changes silently.]
NARRATOR: Did you complete your Christmas list yet? If not, Bring the taste of the neighborhood to your home with the Official Welcome Home Cookbook. Enjoy recipes created by some of your favorite characters like Frank, Julie, and Poppy!
Have the family taste the rich elegance of Howdy’s Happy Holiday Hickory Homewarming Ham and see how it glistens along with the ornaments on the tree. Wowie! Make sure you have some leftovers for Jolly ol’ St. Nick.
SANTA: Oh my! A little something for me, too? Ho ho ho, don't mind if I do (Eating sounds that become more upsetting and continue through the rest of the commercial can be heard.)
NARRATOR: Then warm up by the fire with a nice hot cup of the Spirit of Homewarming. You won’t miss out on any holiday drinks, because they’ll all be mixed together in one beautiful beverage. Not enough for you? The Official Welcome Home Cookbook is full of other delights! Recreate such classics as; The Gingerbread Sandwich, Barnaby’s Holly Jolly Hot Doggaday, and a mug of Chunky Eggnog using Miss’ Beagle Barnyard Eggnog! Yuummmyy.
And of course, the ever popular Homewarming treat; one single pea on a plate.
SANTA: (COUGHING) Excuse me! [audio glitches] That went down the wrong chimney! Ho ho ho!
NARRATOR: Enchant YOUR neighbors with the delights that can be made right at home for the very low price of nine-ninety-nine-nine-nine-nine-
[The track glitches and abruptly skips to the next commercial. Playful piano music plays.]
CHORUS: Wally’s Ball and Cup! Wally’s Ball and Cup! You take the ball and put it in the cup! WOW! Wally’s Ball and cup!
NARRATOR: That’s right, it’s Wally Darling’s Ball and Cup! It’s so easy, even our favorite puppet can do it! Just take the ball and put it in the cup!
WALLY: I love Wally’s Ball and Cup!
CHORUS: Wally’s Ball and Cup! Wally’s Ball and Cup! You take the ball and put it in the cup! You won’t believe it’s Wally’s Ball and cup!
NARRATOR: From the “You-Won’t-Believe-It” Company! (Quickly said) Injuries from Wally’s Ball and Cup do not fall under the liability of “You Won’t Believe it” Company.
[The commercial switches again. The melody of “Deck the Halls” plays in the background.]
NARRATOR: Bring home the whimsical music of Welcome Home to your home for the holiday season with Welcome Home’s Homewarming Harmonies for Hearth and Home. The neighbors are ready to serenade you with their many heartwarming songs such as- Homewarming Tree!
[The music changes to the melody of “O Christmas Tree” as Frank and Poppy begin to sing.]
FRANK and POPPY: Homewarming tree,
Homewarming tree,
How lovely are your branches!
FRANK: With gravy boats and one whole Ham,
POPPY: Honey glazed sweet, and figs and yams.
FRANK and POPPY: Homewarming tree, Homewarming tree,
You'll have such tasty branches!
[The Narrator’s voice comes in at the end of their singing, which fades into the background.]
NARRATOR: Who could forget other Christmas classics, featuring Home’s first solo, Jingle Bells!
[Jingle Bells begins playing. HOME can be heard making banging and clunking sounds to sing along with the melody, until the footage abruptly cuts to a new scene.]
EDDIE: I love a good Homewarmin’! Wrappin’ presents, deckin’ the tree with dishes, and goin’ out singin’ carols! I'm just peachy about helpin’ you put up your tree too, Poppy! What’s a Homewarmin’s eve without a Homewarmin’ Ham in the tree, after all!
POPPY: And I do so appreciate your help, Eddie! It sounds like your schedule must be filled to the brim with all sorts of work! When are you going to give yourself some time to enjoy the holidays? Even I don’t knit every day… My wings hurt just thinking about it!
EDDIE: Don’t you fret your feathers over me! I’m fine! I’m lookin’ forward to deliverin’ the gifts my friends have all gotten for each other!
[The scene cuts. An instrumental version of the Welcome Home Theme Song plays in the background.]
FRANK: Oh, Now hold on, don’t go anywhere! You- Yes, you!
SALLY: Yes, darling, don’t touch that dial!
FRANK and SALLY: We’ll be back to The Welcome Home Homewarming Special after these sponsors!
FRANK: How did we do, Sally?
SALLY: Oh just simply marvelous, Franklin! Now let’s warm up our vocals for the rest of the show!
FRANK: (Begrudgingly) If you insist.
[FRANK and SALLY can be heard poorly harmonizing as the card fades to black. The next commercial fades in silently.]
BARNABY: So there I was at home, just me and my lil’ buddy, Wally, when suddenly we hear a knock at the door. (Said in a voice mimicking Wally’s own.) “Who could that be?” that little peanut said. And I says, “that’s my Ma, little buddy, she’s already here for Homewarming!” So I throw open the door and when she gets a load of our Homewarming spread she immediately knew somethin’ was amiss! And I remember hearing her clear as day-
MAMA BEAGLE: Oh, Barnaby, you silly pooch, I think you’re missing something special.
BARNABY: What’s that, Ma? I got the milk in the stockin’, a cricket on the hearth, and a ham in the tree just for Santy Claus!
MAMA BEAGLE: But you’re just not ready for the Homewarming Season until you’ve had some of my Fresh Barnyard Eggnog!
BARNABY: How could I forget that Mama Beagle’s Barnyard Eggnog is the freshest eggnog out there? The sweet creaminess is no joke!
[There is a light ‘ding!’ as eggnog magically appears in the glass.]
MAMA BEAGLE: That’s right! And of course, don’t forget a peck from mother, too!
BARNABY: Aw, Ma… if a Dog knows anything, it’s listening to his muddah. So get yourself some Mama Beagle’s Barnyard Eggnog today! Limited to Homewarming Season only!
BARNABY: It aint fresh unless its-
[A twangy banjo theme plays.]
BARNABY and MAMA BEAGLE: Mama Beagles Barnyard Eggnog!
BARNABY: (Barnaby howls.) Awoo!
[There is a silent change to a new commercial. Rapid footsteps play as Howdo and Youdo run by.]
BARNABY: I tell ya Howdy, I’m getting a little tired of smoking the same ol’, same ol’. I need something new – something fresh! Something that will really knock my spots off.
HOWDY: Aha! Well, I got something special just for you, Barn! Meet Hooplah, the cigarette that’ll make you shout “Hooray for Hooplah!”
BARNABY: Well gosh, Howdy, it sounds like a Hoot and a Holler! But what's so special about it?
HOWDY: It's everything and more! The beautiful, robust, smooth taste that comes from Hooplah’s hand chosen tobacco and spices. Not to mention its long lasting filter that will help you savor the flavor lo- [The audio cuts off abruptly and goes to another scene.]
EDDIE: And… There we go! Prettier than a magnolia in May! [A long pause follows as he impatiently taps his fingers on his desk.] …Well… no one has asked me to deliver nothin’ yet, but I know they’ll be calling me up real soon. Till then, I reckon I’ll just focus on wrappin my own presents… You know… I ain’t never had so little to do on a holiday before.
…No matter! I can fill in the time just fine! Lets see…uh, OH! Let's wrap Sally’s presents first…..or actually, maybe Julie’s. She’s gonna love this chimney cozy I got her. I mean, I hope she does! Come to think of it, Julie hasn’t called me either… She always calls to play some sorta game…
What if this present is irrelevant… What if her house doesn’t get cold… No! No need to indulge in the whimsy, Eddie! Let's focus on someone else instead! What about… Wally! I know his interests don't change much at all. Could get that feller an apple every day and he'll be happy as a clam. Yeup…there we go, done and done!
Shoo-wee! I sure can wrap these fast- I'm gonna be done before I know it! I ought to slow down on the wrappin then, if I go too fast I’ll be back to… Nothin’ to do… [EDDIE laughs nervously.] …Okay who's next? Maybe Frank has some kinda, bug-catching net - No, not during the snow time…
[There is an abrupt cut. An instrumental version of the Welcome Home Theme Song plays in the background.]
JULIE: Yoo-hoo! Yessiree, I mean you!
POPPY: Oh my- No need to yell! You might frighten them off!
JULIE: Me? No way! I’m the nicest rainbow monster anyone has ever met!
POPPY: Of course you are, dear! What were we saying before? Oh, yes-
JULIE and POPPY: We’ll be back to The Welcome Home Homewarming Special after these sponsors!
[JULIE can be heard laughing as the card fades to black. There is an abrupt cut and the melody of “Twelve Days of Christmas” begins playing.]
NARRATOR: The 12 Deals of Homewarming!
BARNABY: On the fifth deal of Homewarming, Howdy offered me-
One single peeeeea!
FRANK: Bowties for my fruits!
SALLY: A spotlight put on me!
JULIE: Painted Bowling Balls!
HOWDY: And the steal of the century! A can of beans!
[The music changes to the melody of “What Child is This?”]
NARRATOR: Whose Kid is This? Starring our very own Barnaby B. Beagle!
BARNABY: Whose kid is this,
Sleepin' on the floor,
He's blockin' me,
in aisle four,
I tried to go the other way
But there's a different kid here- Hey!
This, this is botherin' me!
I can't get to
My can of beans!
HOWDY: Barn, Barn, those kids won’t wake,
My nephews are on their break.
BARNABY: Oh, brother…
[The music fades away.]
HOWDY: Up and at ‘em, boys! That’s right, it’s back to work, you two grubs!
HOWDO and YOUDO: Aw Shucks, sorry, Uncle How- [The audio abruptly cuts as the scene changes.]
EDDIE: I've been in the post office all day and no one has given me nothin’ to deliver. Maybe I missed something. [EDDIE shuffles some paperwork on his desk.] Maybe a memo? A note? Anything? Maybe this is …wait, no, that's just the shopping list. Okay, well no notes here… Oh! I bet everyone is outside playin’ in the snow!
[The sound of EDDIE’s chair can be heard scooting back as his hands leave the frame.]
EDDIE: …I can’t see anyone out there... Maybe they’re in the woods… Shucks. [EDDIE returns to his seat, his hands once again fidgeting impatiently.] I can't just leave the post office. Why, I bet the moment I leave is the moment someone should walk in needing somethin’ or other!
[There is a long pause. Frustration begins to show as he slams his hands on the desk]
EDDIE: Mercy! Why ain’t no one told me anythin’! [He shoves items off his desk with a loud clatter.] Not a call, a visit, a peep, or nothin! How am I supposed to do my job when no one gives me somethin’ to do! Who’s ever heard of folks gettin’ recognition for nothin? No one, that’s who! …At least I don't think so anyways… (He sighs.) Maybe I oughta just go out for a walk.
[There is a static sound as the scene changes.]
BARNABY: Barkshire Bites, a civilized snack for a civilized pooch like me!
FRANK: I don’t see why having gravy in dog food gives any kind of benefit to any kind of dog.
BARNABY: (He tuts Frank softly.) That’s where you’re wrong, Frankfurter! The answer is right under your nose! Barkshire has so many health benefits, like giving us dogs good breath and a shiny coat. Not to mention it goes down smooooooooooooth.
[“Smooth” gets distorted and the commercial abruptly changes. The melody of “We Three Kings” begins playing.]
NARRATOR: …Including a dazzling performance of We Three Queens by Sally Starlet, Julie Joyful, and Poppy Partridge!
SALLY: Star of wonder
That is Me
Bestowing my beauty onto thee!
JULIE: Hurry, Faster, or Disaster
Now it's your turn, Poppy.
POPPY: I don’t know what exactly to say
Music isn’t quite my forte.
SALLY: Poppy Dear, don’t worry here,
I’ll lead us the rest of the way.
JULIE: (Said rather than sung.) Oh no this song is never going to end.
SALLY: One more tiiime!
[The melody changes to “Silent Night.”]
NARRATOR: A Barely Silent Night!
FRANK: Silent Night, Quiet Night
All is Calm, all is bright-
[FRANK yelps in confusion as SALLY shoves him into what sounds like a comical assortment of props.]
SALLY: Round yon Beagle
Puppy and Hen
Barking loudly
Now and again –
[This time SALLY Shouts in confusion as FRANK returns to the microphone to push her out of the way into a similar array of goods.]
FRANK: Peace and Quiet, Please.
Peace and Quiet, Please.
[The music continues in the background as SALLY and FRANK begin arguing.]
SALLY: Those are not the lyrics I wrote!
FRANK: Well it's a ‘Silent Night’ and you already had a song!
SALLY: It's called BARELY Silent Night, you philistine! There's not a creative bone in your cylindrical body.
FRANK: I am very creative! My bowties are-
SALLY: Oh- Hang your bow ties!
FRANK: You take that BACK!!
[Fighting Ensues. FRANK and SALLY make sounds of wrestling as they begin slapping one another. BARNABY seemingly enters.]
BARNABY: Is this where I come in?
FRANK and SALLY: NO! [They continue fighting]
BARNABY: That’s okay. (He sniffs nonchalantly.) I forgot my lines anyway.
[The music abruptly cuts off as the scene changes to a new commercial.]
NARRATOR: It’s a quiet night in the neighborhood… But what’s this? It would seem one home hasn’t quite turned out the lights yet. Wally, what are you still doing awake?
WALLY: Well… I’m sleepy, but I just can’t sleep.
NARRATOR: Not to fret little friend, Remderem is here to save the day...err, night!
WALLY: Really?
NARRATOR: M-hmm!
WALLY: But what does it do?
NARRATOR: I’m glad you asked, little guy! With just two pills, Remderem offers fast acting relief to those busy minds who don’t know when it’s time to sleep.
WALLY: I have been thinking of a lot of new things to draw.
NARRATOR: I’m sure you have, but that’s for the day time. For now, let Remderem whisk you away to dreamland.
WALLY: Thank you, Remderem!
[There is static as the scene abruptly changes one final time.]
SALLY: (struggling to keep hold of the tree) Fear not, Mailman! It is I, your beloved star of the Homewarming tree! Come to bestow peace onto your worrisome mind! The reason we didn’t ask you to deliver any presents is quite simple! We have already done it!
EDDIE: Really…? Wait, what are you doin’ up there-
SALLY: Everyone insists you work so hard! All of us wanted to give you a break so you could finally enjoy it for yourself- So stuff an envelope in it and escort me to Wally’s Homewarming party! Come along, hurry, hurry-
EDDIE: Well… maybe I do need a break- Oh! Okay, okay, I’m comin’!
NARRATOR: And so Sally Starlet and Eddie Dear made their way to Home to gather with the rest of their friends! When they entered the doorway, the neighbors cheered. Finally, everyone was here!
After hanging up his coat and hat, Eddie plopped himself down on one of Home’s open seats.
EDDIE: (He lets out a heavy sigh as he finally relaxes.) Maybe this is what I needed… A loveseat and my single pea on a plate... Yeah… Yeah! I’m finer than a frog’s hair split four ways!
NARRATOR: And so the resident, reliable mailman finally got to take a day off for himself! Everything was delivered, his friends were all here, and most important of all- Eddie Dear was happy!
[The NARRATOR’s lines repeat and become muddled. Slowly, a cacophony of voices from the previous commercials begin to play, all layered over each other and becoming louder. Then, suddenly, they all cut out, leaving a long, long silence, with only quiet static.]
[Gradually, a heartbeat begins to be heard. It becomes steadily louder, faster and more insistent throughout the sequence, mixed with the static all the while. EDDIE’s breathing can be heard, steadily more panicked.]
[Suddenly, the heartbeat disappears. FRANK and SALLY appear before EDDIE and their voices become clear.]
FRANK: Hello, Mr. Dear, I heard from Sally that you’ve been worried about deliveries all morning.
SALLY: All morning? More like all day! I could see it all from my spot up on the tree! It’s not easy being the most important decor of Homewarming… But I do what I must for this little neighborhood!
[The heartbeat returns]
FRANK: I still don’t know who helped you get up there! Well if you’ve been in your post office all day, it couldn’t have been you could it, Mr. Dear?
[Silence from EDDIE follows, but it is obvious something is wrong.]
FRANK: (Still standoffish, but a little more anxious.) …Mr. Dear? Mr. Dear, are you listening?
[Silence from EDDIE follows.]
FRANK: (Concern starts to show through as he gets closer to EDDIE. The tone is worried, but it becomes more demanding.) Mr. Dear? Mr. Dear!
EDDIE: (He sounds haggard, desperate, and panicked. He is overwhelmed and babbles as though he is going to start sobbing or screaming.) What. Who. Where.
FRANK: (Whispering but harsh tone.) Eddie! (Whispering still, with a quickened and worried tone.) Eddie, are you there? Why aren’t you answering? Eddie?
EDDIE: (He tiredly forces his sentence out.) I think I need to go home.
NARRATOR: A Happy Homewarming to one and all! Ho ho ho!
[The Welcome Home Theme Song begins to triumphantly play as the logo appears on screen.]